Dear Eric: “Paul,” my brother-in-law, will be having major surgery in the next month or so. My husband and I plan to fly out to see him while he’s recovering. While I don’t mind visiting Paul in the hospital, I get extremely anxious whenever I’m invited to stay as a guest in another person’s home. I just know he’s going to be disappointed when he learns that we intend to stay at a nearby resort instead.
Paul also has indoor pets and I’ve never been comfortable around animals. If the subject of us staying with him should come up, how do I explain myself without seeming heartless? My husband and I think very highly of Paul and don’t want to hurt his feelings.
– Distressed Guest
Dear Guest: While Paul welcomes houseguests, hosting after major surgery is likely less than an ideal situation. So, unless you’re helping to provide post-op care, you can use that as an excuse. Even if you are providing care, it’s fine to say, “We don’t want to be under foot, we want to give you your privacy, and it will help us to have a space to recharge so we can be fully present.”
It’s also completely fine to say to someone “Your home is lovely; I feel very welcome. But I just feel more comfortable in a place with no animals.” It’s not heartless. It’s healthy communication about your needs. Good hosting is also about good listening.
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Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
