Dear Annie: My elderly mom wants to move from her house in the country to a smaller home in town. This is her idea, and she’s already looking for a house. However, she has a house, a garage and a barn full of stuff. I estimate that it will take us about six months to sort through, dispose of, donate, etc., the excess stuff if we are allowed reasonable leverage to make decisions. We are limited to working on this on weekends only because my family and I all work and have families of our own.
Many family members have shown up to start clearing out the barn, doing the heavy lifting and dirty work for Mom. She was mostly OK with the start of the barn cleaning and disposing of stuff that was my dad’s. Yet, when we junked useless or unsafe stuff of hers, she either got mad or pulled stuff out of the dumpster (I’m talking fabric covered in mouse excrement or items with rotten wood). These are things no one would move to a new house. My whole family can see that as we move on to dealing with the house, she’s not going to be reasonable because most of that stuff is hers.
About 10 years ago, my whole extended family got together for a weekend to help Mom and Dad clean their garage and basement because we could all see that there was a semi-hoarding/out-of-control situation going on. Dad could no longer park in the garage because it was so full. Both of our parents had too much stuff everywhere and were not managing to put things in their rightful places when they were done with them. They had stuff lining the basement stairs and impassable aisles in the basement. Dad was cooperative and welcomed the help. He acknowledged that things were not right. Mom fought us every step of the way.
Mom’s always kept stuff that should have been disposed of a long time before. For instance, when she and Dad moved into this house, she moved food that was over 15 years old, telling us that it was still OK to use. No amount of discussion could get her to trash the stuff.
I’m not interested in fighting with her over the house cleanout — been there, done that.
I told my family that if Mom becomes too difficult to work with on this, I am OK with letting her deal with it herself. If she can’t move because she won’t downsize her belongings, then she can’t move. After I said this, a sibling told me I was being mean and that if Mom wants to move, we need to help her. I don’t think I’m being mean. I am trying to preserve my sanity and peace. I am willing to help, but I do believe there are limits. As long as Mom is safe in the home she’s in now, I see nothing wrong with her staying there.
How can I navigate this without ticking off my siblings? — Torn and Tired
Dear Torn and Tired: You and your family are fighting an uphill battle, and I agree with you: It’s not mean to stick to your boundaries for your sanity’s sake. Your mother probably does want to downsize, but intention doesn’t equal execution.
Keep encouraging her to take steps toward decluttering. Help when you are able — and in the right headspace — to do so. You might also consider what local resources there are in her area, from junk removal to support groups.
Stubbornness aside, your mother says she wants to make a big change in her life, and for her quality of life and safety, she absolutely needs to. Your and your family’s support will no doubt help her get closer to doing so.
Read more Dear Annie and other advice columns.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit Creators Publishing for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected].
