Dear Eric: I have been in a wonderful relationship for a year now with a man who treats me like a queen, and we have plans to eventually get married. We happen to have a mutual friend, whom I have actually known for many more years than he has. The mutual friend is known by many as a toxic person who is also an egotistical bully, and I believe he uses his friendship with my boyfriend to elevate his own image and legitimize his toxic actions.
I would never give my boyfriend the ultimatum to choose me over his friend, but I have to admit, I feel some resentment every time he spends time with him, which is affecting our relationship.
My boyfriend is aware of my feelings regarding our mutual friend, but he continues to meet and hang out with him, as if nothing is wrong. I’m stuck.
– Done with Mr. Yuck
Dear Done: While your reasons for playing the role of Toxic Avenger may be noble, it’s time to hang up the cape. If it’s your resentment that’s affecting your relationship rather than anything the friend is doing to you or your relationship, then you’ve got to put it to rest. If you don’t, you risk toxicity yourself.
You write that your boyfriend is hanging out with this person as if nothing is wrong. That’s because nothing is wrong to him. Unless your boyfriend is himself toxic, it’s unlikely he’s hanging out with the toxic friend to spite you. So don’t take it personally. As an adult, he’ll have to own the social consequences of his friendship. You can hold a gentle “I told you so” in reserve, should things go sour for him.
Sometimes our partners or loved ones have bad friends. Sometimes those friends are even toxic. It calls their judgment into question, sure, and makes some get-togethers annoying, but ultimately, our partners and loved ones are free to make their own decisions, even ones we don’t agree with. If we stand in the way of that, we deny them their autonomy, which creates a whole new set of problems. You’ve expressed your opinion. Let it be at that and hope he comes to his senses.
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Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
