Asking Eric: Lack of intimacy in rekindled relationship

Dear Eric: I am a 50-year-old woman who reconnected with a 41-year-old man I dated years ago.

Before we moved in together, the physical intimacy slowed, becoming maybe once a week to every other week. He claims he was stressed about his job, and it had nothing to do with me.

It’s been more than six months of living together and now it’s almost a month before he is “in the mood”. I have cried and we have gotten into arguments over the lack of intimacy in our relationship. Each time, he claims he is still attracted to me but just isn’t interested in sex anymore. He said he doesn’t have that urge. He is worried if he tried to have sex, he wouldn’t be able to perform.

I have made it clear that sex and intimacy are very important to me, and I think he needs to seek help to find out if he has low testosterone or not. He claims he wants things to “work itself out” on their own. I love him and love our home we share together but I refuse to live in a sexless, no-affection relationship. Am I being selfish and unreasonable?

– Love Lost

Dear Lost: You can’t be faulted for being honest about your needs. Sex isn’t a requirement of a relationship. But communication is. Even though you’re talking about this, I don’t know if you’re effectively communicating.

I don’t know what he means with regard to things working themselves out on their own. How? Why? When? It’s not his fault if he’s stuck and unsure how to unravel this issue. But there’s a difference between being stuck and being avoidant.

When our bodies or our desires change, particularly in ways we don’t want, the change can spark embarrassment. And embarrassment can spin out a whole web of behaviors. If we don’t address the root, the web gets more complicated.

There are solutions: talking with a trained professional – together or solo; the test you mentioned; adjusting your sex lives so that you’re exploring intimacy in ways that don’t put pressure on him to perform.

Ask yourself what an affectionate relationship looks like – be creative. Physical connection is important, but challenge yourself to think beyond the physical, too. Then ask him the same. Tell him you’re at a crossroads and ask him to be your partner in finding a way forward. Sex is a part of intimacy, but the ability to be vulnerable is paramount. You can both practice vulnerability by working together to find new forms of intimacy. I hope he’ll take this step with you.