Asking Eric: Mom insists she’s not depressed, but daughter doesn’t believe her

Dear Eric: My mother has been a widow for quite a few years now. Her days consist of watching TV. We took her on vacation with us once, but she wanted to just stay in the hotel and watch TV. She rarely sees friends or goes out. My siblings and I live about an hour away, have full-time jobs, spouses and children so going over to see her a few times a month is all we can take on at this time.

We have suggested she might be depressed or lonely, but she scoffs, saying she likes spending time alone. We have suggested activities with a senior center, her church, etc., and she declines, stating she doesn’t want to hang around old people. The last time we mentioned it she got really angry so we said we wouldn’t speak of it again. But I’m worried about her mental health. Her world has gotten so incredibly small.

Maybe I want to feel off the hook somehow because I do feel guilty that I can’t entertain her more. At some point, do I have to accept that this is the life she has chosen for herself?

– Unchanged Channel

Dear Channel: Accept that this is what she wants to do at this point in her life but keep an eye on her without pressure. Per the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, older adults are at greater risk for depression, which can show up as loss of interest in pleasurable hobbies. Be on the lookout for other symptoms of depression. But honor your commitment to not bugging her. Maybe TV is her hobby and that’s just fine.

Our worlds change as we change. If your mother isn’t expressing discontentment, you have to take her at her word. The last thing you want to do is undermine her autonomy by telling her how she feels. Your guilt may be more about the life that you want her to have, rather than the life she wants to have. Keep the lines of communication open and listen to what she’s telling you.