Dear Eric: My ex-husband was emotionally abusive to my oldest child (they/them pronouns). I was a victim of his abuse the entire marriage. I eventually divorced this man before they graduated from high school.
After years of therapy, I have come to understand my behavior and have sincerely apologized to my oldest for not getting them out of that situation earlier.
When they went to college, they began not returning phone calls and texts.
Last Christmas, they told me they do not understand why no one defended them when their father was mean to them. They said I was a terrible mother.
We talked about moving forward with their counselor to work through these issues together. They told me it was also my responsibility to move us forward.
I texted numerous times about improving our relationship. They responded that they were working with their therapist to get to a place where they were comfortable doing this and I would hear from them in the coming weeks.
No further mention of any attempts to move forward since then. It feels like an intentional cruelty. I am increasingly feeling no desire to interact with them in the superficial manner that I did before. I just don’t want to push myself into the life of someone who resents me as their mother for the many ways I failed them.
– Resented Mother
Dear Mother: When your oldest says it’s on you to move your relationship forward and then doesn’t respond, it strikes me as a poorly constructed test of your commitment. They want to know that you’re going to show up for them while also punishing you for not showing up for them in the way they wanted in the past. This is a sign of someone who is not as ready to move forward as they say they are. And that’s probably painful for them, too.
Try to find a communication boundary that feels OK to you, without making you feel like you’re constantly reaching out with no reply. What you want is to maintain some semblance of the relationship to meet your emotional needs, while not creating an expectation for your child that they’re not going to meet.
Talk through the hurt you’re feeling in individual therapy. This is going to take longer than you want. But it’s not because you’re bad or unworthy of your child’s love or attention. It’s because healing is a complicated journey and you’re both still on it.
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Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
