Dear Eric: For a time, my husband and I were struggling mentally, financially and in every practical way possible. We asked nearby family members for support with moving to a new town. The family – a husband and wife – staged what I later realized was intended to be an “intervention” of sorts about our decisions.
A few days later, the wife was being very chatty via text, asking everything under the sun about the move. I didn’t think anything of it, until the husband (my blood relative) called me and blew up on me about everything the wife had relayed back to him. He was yelling, berating me and asking how stupid I could be. I hung up on him and then sent a text message to both of them telling them they don’t have to agree with our decisions, but they can’t talk to me like that.
There was more berating via text. The wife stated that because I was always asking their opinions and for advice, they were entitled to talk to me that way because of how they felt about decisions my husband and I were making.
A week later, I received another text message from the husband stating that I was being irrational, manipulative and that he was entitled to more respect than for me to behave like this. I can’t stop trying to figure this out: is this as ridiculous as it feels to me or does going to someone to talk about things give them the right to light you up if they don’t like what you’re doing?
– Bad Advice
Dear Advice: Advice is not the law. I, as an advice columnist, do not wear a robe nor do I have a gavel. This was a sad surprise for me upon starting this job as I love a good costume. But facts are facts. Your relatives can express their feelings about your decisions, they can even privately gossip about you, if they so choose. But you’re not beholden to them.
And being asked for advice certainly doesn’t entitle anyone to insult, berate or belittle. (This is also a helpful reminder for those writing responses to advice column answers.)
You came to your relatives with a need for emotional support and guidance. Advice is a suggestion. It’s an offering. It’s optional. For them to respond with decrees and diatribes indicates that they’re not actually the right people to support you.
Hold your boundary with them and if they can’t respect it, block them. That’s just my suggestion.
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Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
