Dear Eric: I have teen nieces and nephews who have been misled by their grandma – my husband’s mother – to believe everything my husband and I have will go to them someday.
I told my niece that my pearls would go back to my mom’s side of the family since I have young siblings and no kids right now. She ran off to her grandma in tears. How dare I disappoint her young teen hopes, evidently, of pearls from remote Pacific islands.
I have a will written out that outlines where my effects should go. I know the kids learned to be greedy from their grandma and are just parroting her, but it’s a real turnoff to be around young adults who beg from you before they work for things. Deep in my heart I want to tell the little cusses that I bought my jewelry with money I made from my career being paid 30 percent less than a man, and I’ll be darned if I hand a pennyweight of it to my in-laws. I feel really bad that these kids assume they are the center of the universe and that we will pile gifts on them just like gram and grandad do!
How do we shut down Grandma’s rule-by-rumor as the nieces and nephews see a glimmer of jewelry and assume, loudly and openly, that all will be theirs? Or do we bother?
– Glittering Auntie
Dear Glittering: Oh, you should definitely bother. If your impulse is to use sparkling language to set your nieces and nephews right, do it. They certainly don’t have any problem grave-robbing from the living; how else will they learn that their grandma’s assumptions don’t ring true for you?
Your mother-in-law is setting an unhealthy precedent. I’d guess this is part of a larger obstacle in the relationship you two have. It might be worth addressing her expectations with her. She could be mistaken about where your jewelry came from, or she could just be running roughshod over your personal desires. Either way, you can tell her, politely, to stop clutching your pearls.
As to your nieces and nephews, they may not like what they hear but it’s the truth. No one is entitled to an inheritance. And if they can’t even remember your autonomy while you’re alive, why would you bother to remember them in your will?
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Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
