Dear Eric: My husband had Alzheimer’s and spent his last couple of years in memory care in a retirement community where many friends live. We had been very close to these folks in the past, and my husband remained so delighted to see them, even if he couldn’t remember names and events.
They visited seldom or not at all, although you could throw a stone from their homes to his apartment. Since he died several months ago, I have not heard from them. I know how tough it is to see your friends decline, and to be with your friends as they grieve. Friendships are so precious to me, but I also know that friendships can change over time.
I now find myself struggling with feelings of resentment, which I don’t like, and wondering whether I overestimated our importance to these people. I have still been part of a dinner group with the wives of some of these couples, but it feels so empty now that I’d like to “resign”. Am I just being cranky, or the opposite – too slow to see the handwriting on the wall?
– Left Alone Friend
Dear Friend: It’s not crankiness; it’s a reasonable response to being let down by your friends. It’s clear from your letter that you’ve given these people grace. And I’m sorry that they still didn’t show up in the way that you needed them to.
Resignation for your own emotional well-being is fine. Protect yourself and your heart. You may, however, want to first talk one-on-one with a friend or two. Let them know how you feel and give them a chance to make amends.
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Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
