Asking Eric: Boyfriend’s Smell Is a deal-breaker

Dear Eric: I love my boyfriend. We’ve been dating for a year and it’s the first time I can say I’ve developed feelings for someone. But I see my attraction dwindling due to a few factors, mostly having to do with hygiene.

We’re both in our early 30s and he’s a healthy and clean person, but he doesn’t seem to care about certain things that seem baseline to me. For instance, he says he sends his laundry out, but very often it has a very strong smell of mildew that pushes me away, as I don’t particularly want to hug him when he smells like that or stay at his place if I can’t even use a towel to dry my hands.

He puts deodorant on multiple times a day, but sometimes he’ll hug me at night, or I’ll go in to hug him and I’m immediately repelled by his lingering body odor.

When it comes to his apartment and those hygiene issues, it feels like he’s still in college – getting the cheapest products possible regardless of whether they work or not (and when he can afford better).

I’ve avoided saying anything or hinting at anything because he’s an adult (and I know I’m very sensitive to smells in general). But this is driving me away from him. How do I politely bring this up?

– Cleaning House

Dear House: Odor and ardor are so closely linked for many of us; this may not be a comfortable conversation, but clear communication can draw you closer. What’s more, it’s quite possible that his odor issues are partially caused by a medical condition or his diet, in addition to the products he’s using or his hygiene. So, bringing this up may help him sniff out a solution.

You can couch some of your conversation in a concern that he’s getting bad service from the laundry service or the deodorant – call it a “dollars and scents” talk. “Do you notice the smell from the laundry? I don’t think they’re treating your clothes right.”

But you will also need to be direct and kind about your baseline misalignment, i.e., his smell. No need to make a stink of it, but he needs to get a … scents of what’s happening on your side of the relationship.

“Honey, I love you a lot, and I know that body odor is a normal and natural thing, but sometimes the smell is a little hard for me to be around. Would you consider trying some new products?”