Asking Eric: Grieving Mom doesn’t want to hear friends’ complaints about their kids

Dear Eric: Within five years of each other, both of my adult children died of illness and an accident. It has been three years since the second loss, and the grief is still harsh. But I am getting counseling.

I was a young mother, so I have years left to be active. I am finding new ways to be of service in my community, especially with underprivileged kids.

My women friends all have adult children who are entering the era of life that my kids were experiencing when they died. It is so difficult to socialize with these women because they talk about their kids and even complain about them. It is very stressful because I must play along as if I’m interested. I’m not.

I want to leave these friends behind and focus on my new life. Am I getting it wrong? My counselor says I am, and I want to quit her, too.

– Grieving Mother Times Two

Dear Mother: Take this with a grain of salt: your counselor knows you and has a relationship with you whereas I am a stranger who is rooting for you and whose heart aches for you. But I think a little distance from these friends would be helpful, especially if you’re building new relationships with friends who can better connect with where you are now and where you’re going.

Every friendship goes through cycles. You and your friends are in different phases of life right now. You don’t have to pretend to be where they are simply to get along. I hope that they’ve been there for you as you’ve worked through this overwhelming grief. But from your letter it’s clear that you want more. It’s also OK to, with gratitude and love, say this doesn’t work for me anymore.

Maybe instead of quitting, take a break. It could end up being permanent, or you could find that time changes everyone involved.

My biggest concern – and perhaps something to discuss with your counselor – is that by leaving your friend group, you’ll be isolating yourself. I hope that you’re able to make peer connections through volunteering or grief support groups. You’re doing such hard, important work to heal and to make meaning in your life. You should be proud of yourself and have people around you who support that. Please, don’t go it alone here.