Dear Eric: I grew up in a hoarding house. My childhood was a nightmare of shame and helplessness. As soon as I was able, I got out of that house.
I now own my own home with my husband. We make it an inviting and clean space. But my parents continue to live that way, and no one can go to the house. If family comes from out of town, I have to host them, even though I don’t have a spare bedroom.
Holiday meals are my duty also, even though my parents have more outdoor space and more free time to coordinate. I don’t want to have to make everyone go to a restaurant to visit. But I resent feeling like I am the only alternative.
So how do I get over the resentment and dread that is increasing with every holiday? I can’t just put my foot down and say I’m done because that just means I can’t see my family.
– Unwilling Matriarch
Dear Matriarch: This is a big burden and it’s not fair that you have to carry it. However, a lot of your resentment is coming from your ideas of what life should be instead of what is. Accepting that your parents aren’t going to change – and that means they’re going to let you down – will help you as much as it frustrates you.
Separate out what you actually want from holidays. Put aside the things that feel like obligations. Are you actually interested in hosting family or is that their expectation? If it’s the latter, you can and should tell them, “We’d love to see you, but we can’t host you right now. I can make some recommendations for affordable hotels if you want.” You may get pushback, but it’s not your job to satisfy everyone’s expectations.
The same is true with meals. A restaurant may actually be a better solution, as the cost is shared, and people can order what they want. Plus, you don’t have to do cleanup.
I understand that you feel you don’t have control in any part of this. That started way back in childhood in your parent’s hoarder home. If you’re not in therapy, you may want to talk through your feelings with someone. It will help bring clarity.
Establishing a boundary and communicating your needs won’t create more mess. Indeed, it’s healthier if you do.
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Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
