Dear Eric: I got married about six years ago, at the age of 30. At that point in my life, I was pretty emotionally connected to my name and I wanted to stay attached to it. So, I added my husband’s last name to mine and now have two last names. At our wedding, we were announced as (names changed) “Jared Smith” and “Carrie Johnson Smith”.
My relatives (aunts and cousins, who knew me for 30 years as Carrie Johnson) always refer to me only as Carrie Smith. I don’t see them often, but anytime they address mail to me, it’s Carrie Smith. That is not my name, and it frustrates me that they assume I would give up such a large part of my identity, especially when I specified my name at my wedding, I sign it Carrie Johnson Smith and that is how I present it on public accounts.
How can I get them to understand that my last name is actually both names?
– Respect My Name
Dear Name: Correct them directly every time it happens. You may have to tell them “Pretend there’s a dash there.” (Although admittedly that could backfire.)
If your family has a more traditional mindset, they may be skipping over the Johnson as if it were a maiden name, so I wouldn’t take it as a blatant form of disrespect.
You’re up against centuries of married nomenclature traditions. Your choice is absolutely valid, and they should call you by your actual name, but your family may think “She got married; she’s a Smith,” no matter what the truth is.
So, keep reminding them. If we can grasp the way naming works for movie stars Jada Pinkett Smith and Helena Bonham Carter, then we can grasp your name, too.
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Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
