Dear Eric: My wife and I have been married for 20 years and together for 27. We have four children together the youngest is 11 and the oldest is 19. The last couple of years, we drifted apart to the point where my wife “checked out” of our marriage and started a relationship/affair/transitional partner.
I discovered the affair in January and really made many attempts to fix or change what was wrong in our relationship. In that time, I learned that the best I could do is learn and grow as an individual, which I’ve done. It’s been a year since we have been intimate. We sleep in separate parts of the house and are working with mediators.
That said, we are still friends and still seemingly don’t want this to end (we haven’t even told our kids). The biggest concern is that my wife doesn’t seem to want to pull the trigger on making the commitment to make something happen. I’m at a loss. It takes two. I don’t want to be over but I’m also tired of spinning my wheels.
My gut is 50/50; my heart doesn’t want to let go and my brain says it’s time to move on.
– Love Lost
Dear Lost: You’re right – it does take two. Your wife may see doing nothing as akin to not rocking the boat. But, in your marriage, it has the opposite effect. There’s a hole in the hull of your relationship and water is pouring in. If she’s not actively working on plugging the hole and baling the water, she’s resigned herself to letting it sink.
It’s possible you and your wife are more misaligned than you think. If she’s also checked out of repairing the relationship, you may be in the boat alone. Find out what she really wants.
To do this, bring some questions to mediation. “What are our joint and individual plans for repair? Are we committed to taking the necessary steps?” The second question is a yes or no. There is no “not right now.” The boat, the rising water.
This is hard, I know. And I’m sorry. There’s probably some reluctance to hurt each other by pushing, one way or another. But being stuck where you are is hurting you still. Let your wife know this. Ask for her help or resolve to step out of the boat and continue on dry land.
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Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
