This is an opinion column.
One could call Auburn football so many things.
A mess? Check.
Disappointing. You bet.
Just don’t call this Tiger team boring because this group of showmen bring it every week.
Saturday was its masterclass in malfunction — chaos of cinematic proportions in all three phases as seen in the 24-14 stain left on the Jordan-Hare Stadium turf. Another sellout crowd was treated to a little bit of everything when Arkansas arrived for what promised to be an informative meeting of SEC non-contenders.
They saw two quarterbacks.
The 88,043 souls witnessed the hometown Tigers outgain the visiting Hogs, 431-334.
That included touchdown passes of 58 and 67 yards, respectively.
Cool.
The rest of it had about as much rhythm as a student section swag surf. So, none.
Keeping the all-or-nothing/score-or-swear theme, Auburn didn’t keep it PG.
Five turnovers.
That included a fumble lost on the doorstep of the end zone. The rest were interceptions from the two quarterbacks.
A failed fake punt, which effectively served as an honorary sixth turnover.
Did I mention two quarterbacks?
Just don’t call them dull, because no 2-2 team is this interesting in the most disconcerting ways.
The whole thing just feels like it’s held together with duct tape and IOUs because you can only use the recruiting-rankings hidden ball trick so many times.
Add it up and the loyal but rhythmically challenged Jordan-Hare regulars became a feast for the meme lords Saturday evening. The despondent among them were picked off one by one by the benefactors from ESPN who know entertainment when they see it.
And we’re all just rubbernecking at this point.
Because every Saturday in Auburn is a hell-bent sprint through a corn maze that ends at the scene of a crime more often than not.
Seven of the 13 Auburn drives ended in a turnover or 3-and-out (eight if you count the failed fake punt). That doesn’t include the poor decision to shove Arkansas QB Taylen Green out of bounds on a third-down throw-away on the Razorbacks’ second drive. That 15-yard gift jumpstarted what ended in a 15-play, 81-yard touchdown slog that took 7:05 off the clock.
This wasn’t on the defense, though.
The Hugh Freeze offense is the star of this tragedy.
Redshirt freshman Hank Brown got three interceptions before Payton Thorne got his crown back after halftime.
Dra … ma.
Freeze after the game said it was “sickening that we can’t take care of the football on offense” with a few $5 words sprinkled in.
In one breath, he took the blame then listed all the ways redshirt freshman QB Brown screwed up in the next.
“He did not play well in the first half,” Freeze said. “He missed open guys and obviously threw the ball into coverage. Then we’re in the red zone again, he double clutches and kind of floats it over the middle. So obviously, we’re not doing a very good job of coaching quarterbacks.”
So true.
But even one of the players behind one of Freeze’s landmark Ole Miss victories isn’t buying the schtick anymore. In response to Freeze saying Auburn needs to “find a guy that won’t throw the ball to the other team,” and “you’ve got to have a good quarterback in whatever system you have,” former Ole Miss QB Bo Wallace added his name to the credits in this Auburn tragedy.
On social media, he ripped his former coach for throwing his quarterbacks under the bus after losses while taking all the credit after wins. Of all the people to come for Freeze, one of the two QBs he coached in those golden wins over Nick Saban and Alabama wouldn’t be your first bet.
Add that to the evidence pile pointing toward the dysfunction of a program Freeze was hired to save.
Year 2, however, is showing signs of regression rather than progress.
They’re a hot mess and we can’t look away.
But the recruiting …
We’ll talk about that when the cringe reality show — something like Brrr It’s Cold: Auburn’s Frozen Solid in September — isn’t so interesting for all the wrong reasons.
Michael Casagrande is a reporter for the Alabama Media Group. Follow him on Twitter @ByCasagrande or on Facebook.
