Dear Annie: Being the “other” grandmother

Dear Annie: I am the mother of two wonderful sons, both married to equally wonderful women. While I am grateful for the love and partnership they have found, I can wholeheartedly relate to the sentiments shared in “One Grieving Grandmother to Another.”

Both of my daughters-in-law are incredibly close to their own mothers. It’s a beautiful bond they share, but as someone who raised her sons to be independent and self-sufficient, I often find myself in the background, feeling like the least important grandmother. It’s hard, and I won’t deny the pang of hurt that comes when I feel like I’m on the periphery of their lives. Still, I do my best to smile, show grace, and be grateful for any invitations or moments of connection that come my way.

It seems that in today’s world, with families often having fewer children, the role of “Grandma No. 2″ feels even more pronounced. My own grandmothers, on both sides, were surrounded by large families. My paternal grandmother had four children, and my maternal grandmother had five, which meant they each had over a dozen grandchildren. Back then, we all had to take turns with Grandma, and it sometimes felt like a competition just to get a bit of her time. That dynamic made everyone want to spend more time with her.

These days, though, things feel different. With smaller families and different cultural shifts, grandmothers who aren’t the primary figure — often the maternal grandmothers — are left feeling the sting of distance. There’s less competition for attention, and yet, in some ways, it feels like there’s less opportunity to share those precious moments.

It also saddens me to see how common it’s become for daughters-in-law to justify limiting or cutting off relationships with their mothers-in-law, often citing claims of toxicity. While I’m sure there are cases where this might be true, it’s hard to believe that the majority of mothers-in-law could be so harmful. So many of us are just trying to navigate these new roles with love and patience, hoping to be a part of our grandchildren’s lives.

Thank you for sharing the “Grieving Grandmother’s” letter. It resonated deeply with me, as I know it has with so many other mothers of sons who are living this reality. It’s a tender and painful experience that often goes unnoticed, but hearing the voices of others helps us feel less alone. — I Can Relate

Dear I Can Relate: Thank you for sharing your heartfelt letter. I am printing it in the hopes that it will resonate with other grandparents who may be feeling the same way — reminding them that they are not alone in these tender, often painful emotions.

It’s important to acknowledge that many mothers-in-law, like you, are navigating their roles with grace, patience and love, even when they feel like they’re on the outskirts of their own children’s and grandchildren’s lives. Your words shine a light on an experience that often goes unspoken yet is felt by so many.

In today’s world, where family dynamics have shifted, and connections can sometimes feel distant or strained, this sense of loss can weigh heavily on grandmothers who long to be more involved but find themselves quietly watching from the sidelines.

I also hope that your letter opens the eyes and hearts of some daughters-in-law, encouraging them to be more mindful and inclusive toward their mothers-in-law. It’s easy to become wrapped up in our own routines and family traditions, but sometimes a small act of kindness — an extra invitation, a few more minutes on the phone or a shared moment of connection — can make a world of difference to someone who is longing to be part of their grandchild’s life.