Dear Annie: This is not a letter to play the victim, so please hear me out.
My mother has caused me so much hurt for as far back as I can remember. When I was a kid, I was sexually abused by my brother. I told her, and she said I was lying. I used to think I was adopted because there was no way a parent could be so mean to a biological child.
When I became pregnant at age 17, she gave me three days to get out of the house.
Fast-forward to adulthood: When my son got killed in a car accident 13 years ago, she posted on Facebook that I got what I deserved. When I finally got up the nerve to divorce the man my parents forced me to marry at age 17, she posted on his Facebook how she would always love him. She taught me that you stay, no matter what. My dad and her have been married for 50 years, even though she says when she hears my dad pull up to the house, she gets sick to her stomach.
My 9-year-old daughter was sexually abused by her father and I reported it immediately. He signed over his rights, and my new husband (her stepdad) adopted her. My mom defended the ex, saying, “That is still her dad.”
At one point I told her I was sorry I had not been to see her in a while. Her response was, “You are just like your dad. It’s always something.”
The last straw was I enrolled in college to get my degree, and when I was about to graduate, I asked her if she would attend. She said hatefully, “Where’s it even at?”
Being in the same room as her makes me physically ill, and it really triggers my emotions. Everywhere you read or turn, people will say, “That’s your mom, you better love her while you can, because one day she will be gone.” I need some sort of validation to protect my mental health, to go no-contact with her, because I am almost to that point. Forty-eight years is enough. — Help
Dear Help: Normally, I try to advocate for making amends. After all, you only get one mother, and beneath all the hurt and pain, there is usually a trace of love.
But your situation is different. Your mother’s behavior has been repeatedly abusive, malicious and narcissistic. You need to focus on your own survival, as well as the well-being of your children. That will require reframing your expectations for your mother, as well as limiting — if not completely eliminating — contact with her.
Communicate your feelings with her before you take such a measure, whether it be in a letter or in a conversation. That way, if she decides she does want to be a part of your life, she will know what she needs to do.
Read more Dear Annie and other advice columns.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit Creators Publishing for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected].
