Dear Amy: I am the “maid of honor” for my best friend’s wedding, which is happening this summer.
It’s a big job and I have done my very best to step up in all of the expected ways. Like other people who have faced this demanding role, it can strain a friendship – but my friendship with “Chloe” (the bride) has survived just fine.
So far, anyway.
Last week, Chloe texted me to say that she sent out the invitations and that “William,” my very steady boyfriend of several years, was not invited.
She texted me that she feels terrible about this, but this was because of “serious space constraints.” She has planned for 125 guests at the reception.
Chloe has met William several times (we live out of state), and she knows that we live together.
I’m completely shocked by this exclusion, and I don’t know how to respond.
Any ideas?
– Mad MOH
Dear Mad: One of the most basic guidelines concerning wedding invitations is that engaged couples, longtime partners and couples living together should be invited as a couple.
Chloe might justify her rudeness by thinking that her attendants will be very busy on her wedding day, and because you won’t be able to spend much time with William during the ceremony and reception, she might as well exclude him.
My instinct is that this is yet one more sacrifice you are expected to make as her maid of honor. Some honor, right?
In terms of responding, I think you should be calm and very clear. Speak to her: “Chloe, I’m asking you to invite William to your wedding. I’m sorry that you feel pressured, but it’s the right thing to do. I have stepped up in many ways to make this day great for you, and I’d appreciate you finding the space for him.”
If she freaks out, don’t respond right away. Just wait quietly. After a week or two, you should have an answer from her.
In my opinion, either way you do have an obligation to carry on with your role in the wedding, but the longer-term friendship might take a real hit.
Dear Amy: I have a friend whose husband died suddenly more than eight years ago.
She speaks very often about how difficult her life is without “Bart,” and how perfect their marriage was; she is financially secure and has many friends.
She is in therapy.
I, and all of her friends, listen to her talk about this man and we sympathize with her. I know there is no right timetable for grief.
Recently she put a full-face picture of her long-dead husband as her profile picture on her cellphone, so that whenever she calls me Bart’s face pops up.
I find it disturbing to see the face of this long-dead man on my own cellphone.
Is there any reasonable way I can let her know that I respect her grief, but the cellphone photo is disturbing?
– Disturbed
Dear Disturbed: This is a confusing issue, and I was unable to confirm if there is a way to hide someone’s contact picture without blocking them. Depending on what kind of phone you use, you might check with your carrier to see if it is possible to delete or reassign someone else’s profile photo.
Your friend might not realize that Bart’s photo pops up when she calls you.
(In my phone, the photos that pop up are ones I’ve assigned to various contacts.)
Rather than describing this as “disturbing,” you could start by asking her, “Do you realize that whenever you call me, Bart’s photo shows up on my phone?”
She might tell you that she has deliberately set it up as her profile photo.
If this is her intent, you could tell her, quite honestly, “When you call me, I’m always startled to see Bart’s face. It takes me a minute or two to get oriented. Have other people mentioned this?”
After that, I think you should let it go.
Dear Amy: I’m responding to “Future Coach,” who wondered if it was OK to text with student-athletes.
In my school, there is a rule of absolutely no texting between staff and students.
We also had a rule that a teacher could not become a social media “friend” of a graduated student until after that student graduated from college. This protects both teachers and students.
– Former Teacher
Dear Teacher: Great guidelines, although I wonder how they cover students who don’t go on to college.
You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.